Feral Feelings

Welcome to the feelings swamp

By Amber Autumn Leaves Huntsman

Dear Feral Feelings,

I work in a small maintenance shop of 10 people. A co-worker is getting married and invited half of the shop to the wedding. I was not in the invited half. I have always gotten along just fine with this co-worker and feel kinda miffed that I was not included. I think I’m just looking for validation that this is a social blunder on his part. Haha. Any input or advice is appreciated.

-Not Invited to the Party

Dear Not Invited to the Party,

Thank you for submitting your question to the Feelings Swamp! Unlike a marsh, lying low in the land, swelling with tidewater, or like a bog full of acid and peat, your question feels particularly swampy- deep, dark, and with many trees growing from its depths. I can see those trees, large and obvious at the surface. I am aware, however, that below the surface is a rich, wet soil from which this swamp forest grows. I will see your trees first before we drop deeper into the root system to wonder why you asked this question.

You, friend, would like your feelings validated, so let me validate- You feel miffed. You feel excluded. Most pointedly, you want to feel validated that your co-worker made a social blunder. They invited some co-workers, not all co-workers, and that feels unfair to you. I understand how provoking that could be for the part of you that feels sensitive to rejection. I can see your need for validation as a reasonable response to feeling excluded and hurt, because you have been excluded and you are feeling hurt.

With that said, I cannot validate that your co-worker made a social blunder. I have little reverence for social niceties and arbitrary rules of conduct. Especially in the realm of relationships. Thus, it is my opinion that no one, not even a co-worker with whom you get along, owes you an invitation to one of the most intimate and personal moments in their life. I don’t know why they made a choice not to invite half the maintenance shop. That choice could have been financial, social, emotional, logistical, or some other mystery option neither of us can divine. To take a side here would be, essentially, making this question about who is right and who is wrong, and I cannot say your co-worker made the wrong choice. A wedding invitation is personal, not obligatory. Making a wedding guest list motivated by obligation would center the comfort of others instead of honoring the desires and boundaries of the people getting married. Your co-worker made the choice that was right for them, which is a good thing, even if that hurts your feelings. Both can be true at the same time. Meeting hurt feelings with a discussion of who is right and who is wrong is not a helpful way to resolve interpersonal conflicts, nor does that way of approaching the issue help you understand your feelings.

I wonder a few things as I peer below the treeline into the darkness of your swampy question. Hear my asking land with soft curiosity. We are in murky territory: Why, if you are so intimate with this co-worker that you want to be present for their wedding, do they not know how you feel? Why have you not expressed your desire to attend or let them know hurt feelings have come up? If the answer is, “We’re not that close”, then why do you feel entitled to attend their wedding? If you care for them and feel an earnest desire to share that ritual, it’s on you to express it. But, if you just want to feel valid, then there’s something here that isn’t about your co-worker.

Generally, a need to feel validated by others in this way reflects a deeper wound. Sure, we all want to feel understood by the people around us; that is universally true. But your question reflects you’ve been ruminating about the exclusion. This incident got under your skin. Rumination is a sure sign something old is coming up, something social inclusion cannot ameliorate. That feeling of exclusion is a part of you and exists no matter who invites you to what. Your excluded self is speaking, telling its stories, feeling its old pain. There is an opportunity here for healing, either within your relationship with your coworker or within yourself.

So, Not Invited to the Party, if you care for your co-worker and want to deepen your relationship with them, trust the relationship enough to tell them how you feel. Conflict, no matter how uncomfortable, is an invitation to deeper connection. But, if you find you don’t care enough about this relationship to put in emotional labor, then take this experience as an opportunity to learn about who you are. Self-reflection is self-responsible, and it’s your responsibility, not your co-workers, to care for your most wounded parts when they feel excluded.

Dear Feral Feelings,

How do I deal with members of my family who just don't get me and my beliefs and are shunning me just because I have alternate ideas?  I've never done or said a mean thing about them. They just are mad at me because they don't agree with me. Being mean in response to them doesn't sound right, but the name calling and everything else bugs me just because they have such entrenched values and are incapable of even accepting different opinions, much less those of a blood relative. What should I do? I sure hope you can offer some guidance. Thank you so much!

-Seeking Familial Acceptance

Dear Seeking Familial Acceptance,

Thank you for your very vulnerable, very relatable question. I think most, if not all, of us experience some sense of alienation, conflict, or pain with our family of origin. When I was in graduate school to become a psychotherapist, one of the first required classes was called “Family of Origin” or “FOO” for short. This class was notoriously difficult to get through, not because it was academically rigorous but because it was emotionally rigorous. Our families are our root system, the first place we learn about love and pain. Every week of FOO was like being in an ocean of angry, grieving students, awash in our process of confronting where we came from. This kind of self-evaluation is necessary for the growth of a healthy therapist. Sitting with the impact our families had on us as children, and still have on us as adults, is a very intense process. We are all shaped by who we came from, even if we don’t look like them, think like them, feel like them, or express ourselves the way they do.

When I sat with your question, the first thing I noticed was the word “Should”.

I cannot say there is a should here. I think a better question is- What do you want? Your use of should implies you are looking for a course of action. What action you take wholly depends on what you want to happen. Do you want to have a relationship with your family members, or do you need space? You say they are mad because they don’t agree with your views, so are you wanting them to be less mad? Or do you want them to agree with your views? How do YOU feel about them being angry? You told me how they feel, but your affective response is absent from the picture you painted. If you can connect with the way YOU feel, you can connect with what you want. Then, you can find a course of action that honors your wanting. You cannot control how they respond. You can only control what YOU do.

In all the years I’ve been a therapist, I’ve never had success getting people to be less of who they are. Often, new clients come to me hoping to get rid of their anxiety and depression, only to realize they cannot extricate either one. Instead, they learn how to be in a relationship with their anxiety and depression. Over time, acceptance of who they are brings relief to their system. This includes accepting parts of themselves they want to reject. Healing a stressed family system works in a similar way: It’s not about getting everyone to agree; it’s about finding points of authentic connection. In order to be authentic, you would need to express the emotional impact their words have on you. They would need to be able to hear you and possess a desire to repair the ruptures in your relationship. And you would need to hear them in their frustrations, too. Together, you and your family could work towards building connection instead of disconnection and move into a new era of relating.

On the other hand, a family who is name calling, being mean, and unable to make loving connections will not move into a new era. They will stay entrenched in the need to be right, protecting ego so viciously it inhibits healing. Unlike our internal system, you can extricate family members from your life. I am not necessarily suggesting you do, but I would be remiss if I did not touch on that option. Many people make that choice, and for similar issues, when change cannot occur. So, Seeking Familial Acceptance, my advice is this: Feel your feelings. Then, ask yourself honestly- what kind of relationship do you want with your family? If the answer is you want a loving family connection, express that. They may or may not be able to meet you there. All you can do is express your feelings and release attachment to their response. If they meet you there, then slowly get to know each other apart from the issues that keep you entrenched in disagreements. And, if they cannot meet you in your desire to repair and re-connect, feel that grief. Then, let your grief guide the way forward.

Do you have a problem that you think Feral Feelings could answer? Send them to feralfeelings@jeffcobeacon.com