Feral Feelings: Majestic Rage

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Image Collage by Amber Autumn Leaves Huntsman  [/caption]

Dear Feral feelings,

Do you have any guidance for surviving perimenopause? I’m exhausted and moody and I feel like I’m losing my mind on a daily basis. I’m early in the process but it’s so obvious what's happening to me.

Anything would be helpful! Thank you!

-Rage Monster

Dearest Rage Monster,

I feel for you, my friend. I'm right there with you. I’m nearly 43 years old and in the early stages of The Change. I don’t feel it all the time, but increasingly and dramatically as time passes. So too are many of my friends and at least a third of my clients facing the end of their bleeding years.

For any readers who may not know, Perimenopause refers to the phase of life, anywhere from 4-15 years long, where women experience irregular periods, mood swings, body changes, and dozens of other debilitating symptoms along the way to the total cessation of menstruation and/or reproductive ability. Menopause is a single event- the one-year mark without a bleed. Everything else is perimenopause, and it takes a very long time.

At this moment in my life, and I expect for some time to come, I am in the company of many perimenopausal women. All of us together, raging and crying and bleeding or…not. Waves of slow, sometimes painful change wash over us as we try to keep ourselves together. To keep our lives together. When I think of us all moving through this slow and arduous transition, I imagine we are Orca.

This year, I’ve seen more whales than I’ve seen in any other year of my 25 years of living in the Pacific Northwest. It began on New Year's Day, when I watched the Grey Whale migration from a cold beach on Whidbey Island, their massive fins rising out of the water as they grazed for ghost shrimp along the shore. In the spring, a humpback rose from the waters around Fort Flagler, surprising me and my friends.

It’s the Orca, however, I’ve seen most. On three occasions, at varying distances, I've watched Orca pods pass through the channel from East Beach on Marrowstone Island. Each time was thrilling and emotional, and it piqued my curiosity about the whales. I developed a desire to know them more intimately- their names, their histories, their challenges. And it was in the desire to know more that I found one of my favorite facts about Orca- they go through menopause.

Only toothed whales and human beings experience menopause. All other mammals, from what I can tell, don’t have the same transition. It's us, the human bleeding folk and our orca, beluga, and narwhal relatives that transform in this way at mid-life.

Orca have deeply matrilineal networks where post-reproductive Orca lead their pods. Grandmother orca lead their pods, supporting and protecting their children and grandchildren. Post-reproductive Orcas are the backbone of Orca society. The Salish Sea hosts some of the oldest Matrilines of Orca, filling these waters nearly every single day since 2017.

In the sea all around us, powerful menopausal whales circle as we suffer the end of our reproductive years. We struggle to claim what whales have long known is a significant personal and communal strength- sovereignty. Because of their power, post-reproductive Orca have become a navigation point for me personally and professionally.

From most women I listen to, I hear how they’ve worked for decades to develop their sense of self, their ability to cope with stress, and to create structures for thriving. And, just at the peak of self-actualization, perimenopause comes to sweep it all away. The self they knew and relied on has changed irrevocably, and in its place, a strange new self emerges. A self steeped in fatigue, sharp thoughts, and dark moods. Their roadmap for navigating life is lost.

Instead of ascending to leadership like Orca, we land mammals face shame and stigma from our dominant culture with our perimenopausal transformation, as if the symptoms themselves weren’t life-altering enough.

Perimenopause has a significant impact on our physical health, certainly, but also on our mental health. Depression rates skyrocket, as does anxiety, and many women face divorce, career transitions and social disillusionment. The void of information about perimenopause is shocking, considering women will likely spend half their entire life as post-reproductive creatures. And within that void, many women struggle needlessly.

As a matter of due diligence, Rage Monster, I want to encourage you to see a doctor if you haven’t yet. There are many interventions for perimenopause, some medical and some lifestyle-related. And, read books, listen to podcasts, talk to your friends. You will learn of the challenges and begin to construct a new map to realize the gifts. Eventually, you will feel at home in yourself again, but it will take time.

Perimenopause is the liminal space between one self created to respond to others and a new self created to respond to herself. This is a potent reclamation for those who’ve spent entire lives caring for others. Which is, basically, most women.

Like Orca, we land mammals can find immense strength in midlife. We are less pleasing, more honest, and deeply raw in our emotional expressions. We become almost allergic to pleasing others and more sensitive to our own needs. We say “no” more easily. We say “yes” with more certainty. We just stop giving a fuck about what doesn’t matter and insist on nurturing what does.

During perimenopause, our bodies require more protein and calcium and benefit greatly from exercise, especially weight and resistance training. It’s as if our bodies tell the story of who we are becoming when we listen to its needs: we aren’t meant to wither; we are meant to become stronger.

I wish we lived in a society that, like Orca society, exalted the grandmothers. The Crones. The ones no longer mothers or sexual objects or naive with youth. I can’t help but think that if we, especially those in the Western World, elevated the roles of aging women, our lives would look very different. More protective, more stable, more grounded and resourced. But, until we live in that world, we can imagine we are Orca. Self-led, self-possessed, authentic and authoritative.

Rage Monster, you are in charge now. It’s a hard path, but many have walked it before you. Many walk it with you now. What will you do with this newfound authority? With this heightened sensitivity? With this seething authenticity? Rage Monster, your new self is yours, and yours alone, to claim.