Feral Feelings: Seeking Virgil

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Dante meeting Virgil. Wood engraving by Gustave Doré  [/caption]

Dear Feral Feelings,

Do you have any advice for finding a good psychotherapist? I’m going through some big life stuff, and I think therapy could be helpful, but I’m not sure what I should be looking for or where to start.

Thank you,

Lost in Life Stuff

Dear Lost in Life Stuff,

First, LLS, thank you for submitting this question. Many folks have expressed to me a desire to find a therapist. Like you, they don’t know how to start or ascertain what they should be looking for. There has been a lack of available therapists for years now, especially since COVID-19. Most therapists are well booked (myself included), and it can take a long time to find one, let alone find one who feels like a match. The need is great and the search is confusing, so what a treat that I can address such a ubiquitous question!

Second, have you heard of Dante’s Inferno?

Dante’s Inferno is the first part of a three-part epic poem by 14th-century Italian philosopher Dante Alighieri. Inferno is Dante’s fantastical, fictional journey through hell. He begins- “In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.”

In becoming lost, Dante travels through 9 circles of hell, progressing through the horrors of sadness, cruelty, putrefaction, wrath, and the icy, frozen visage of the devil himself. And, Dante doesn’t navigate this passage alone- he has a guide. Dante travels with Virgil, a poet, shepherding him through this terrifying landscape with wisdom, compassion, reason, and protection. In the end, Dante emerges from hell to greet a starry sky just breaking before a bright dawn. Though Dante’s journey was his own, Virgil’s guidance helped him emerge safely. And this is what it’s like to have a good therapist.

The first and most important thing you want to find in a therapist is someone you feel good about- you feel at ease, hopeful, and confident in their ability to help you. In other words, you’re looking for someone you like. Someone who seems interested, informed, and able. It is widely understood in psychotherapy that the therapeutic relationship is the most important and vital part of what makes therapy successful. It’s less about finding a therapist who has all the tools to fix your problems and more about the quality of the relationship between you and your therapist. Therapy is a vulnerable space that requires depth, and those depths are reached when you have a safe, honest, and trusting relationship with your therapist.

Next, it’s helpful to gain a basic understanding of what kind of therapy you want. There are many different approaches to psychotherapy; every therapist is a bit different and each has varied therapeutic skills. Today, most therapists are practicing an integrated form of many therapies that combine to create their own unique style, but there are common roots you can learn about to prepare for your therapist search.

Finally, here are some more practical tips for finding that therapist:

1. Look through the psychology today listings: You’ll be able to search by location and specialty for private practice therapists, of which there are many in WA state.
2. Look for a local behavioral health agency or group practice in your area.
3. If you have insurance, see if your insurance company has a directory of covered providers; many folks in private practice take insurance (and just as many do not).
4. If you are low-income or under-insured/uninsured, consider Open Path Collective, an organization that will connect you with low-cost or sliding scale therapy.
5. Most therapists offer a free consultation to get to know them before beginning therapy. If they don’t offer one, ask for one.
6. Feel empowered to schedule a few meetings with prospective therapists and take your time finding someone who feels right to you.

Finding someone to walk through hell with you can be hard. I’ve had therapists who weren’t a good fit for me, for various reasons, which was disheartening. And, as a therapist myself, I’m not always the right fit for others. This is not only normal, but expected- we’re not for everyone, and not everyone is for us.

Persisting through the misses can be worth it. Therapy, when done with a skilled therapist with whom you build a safe, loving relationship, can be life changing. I’ve seen clients conquer huge, nearly insurmountable life changes through our work together. Not because I am the very best at what I do, but because I was a safe, compassionate guide for those clients on their journey. I hope that you, LLS, can find your guide. And, once you have, may you find your way to a new dawn.