Feral Feelings: Stepping into the River

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Photo by Amber Autumn Leaves Huntsman  [/caption]

Dear Feral Feelings,

I’m at a crossroads with my sexuality, and I’m confused about which direction to take. I’m in my 30’s, too, which is part of the confusion! I thought I’d figured myself out a long time ago. But now I wonder…am I a lesbian? Am I Demisexual? I’m in a healthy poly relationship with a guy I love very much, and we give each other space to explore, but at this point, I’m not sure how to step into that exploration. Any advice you have is greatly appreciated!

-Confused Queerdo

Dear Confused Queerdo,

Upon reading your question, I thought of a quote by Carl Jung, one of the few forefathers of modern psychology I actually respect: “Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you’re just doing research.”

Again and again in my practice as a therapist I encounter in people a sense that, eventually, they will have solved themselves like a math equation. They will “do the work” long and hard enough to know themselves so completely that they never again have to question who they are, what they want, or how they feel.

Certainly, I believe self-discovery is worth the time and energy it requires. An unexamined self is an unexamined life; it is not possible to grow and change without self-inquiry.

At the same time, when we seek to discover Self, we eventually find that self-discovery is a lifelong path instead of a static destination. In my experience, this shift emerges around forty years old.

We learn that to know ourselves is to attend the funeral of who we were and welcome who we are becoming, over and over again, in phases. We are always ourselves and yet not as we flow forward through our experiences. Or, as Heraclitus said, “A man never steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

Though I could not possibly know if you’re either a lesbian or demisexual, I admire the openness you're bringing to that inquiry. It sounds to me that both who you’re attracted to and how you experience your sexuality is shifting and expanding. I hear you’re feeling attraction to women during this phase of your life, and you’re wondering if that changes who you are in a fundamental way- “Am I a lesbian?” Perhaps you are, perhaps you are not. Research shows, over and over again, that sexuality is fairly fluid and runs along a continuum.

Similarly, you are wondering if you are demisexual. This is a label that describes a sexuality that comes to life within the context of a loving, bonded connection, as opposed to accessing arousal in more casual, less intimate connections. Answering these questions about who you are and how you love is not something that can be accessed through avenues of logic. I believe those answers can only be found through the ephemeral world of sensation and emotion, and only you can access those realms.

My advice to you, Confused Queerdo, is to slow down, get curious, and follow what feels safe and pleasurable to you. First, just within your own body, and later, with others. Though it may sound a bit counterintuitive, many interventions in the world of sex therapy prescribe abstaining from sex for a period of time.

For instance, an intervention called “Sensate Focus” is used for a myriad of sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction, self-image hang-ups, and lack of sexual arousal. Instead of having sex, a couple re-sensitizes their sex life through non-sexual touch and intimacy building.

For you, Confused Queerdo, I think adapting this kind of intervention solo could be effective. Take time to date yourself for a while, and explore what feels good to you without any pressure to figure out what those feelings mean. And, I don’t just mean sexually- what tastes good to you? What fabrics feel nice on your body? How do you like to touch your body? What music feels calming, feels exhilarating, feels liberating? What interests are calling to you?

You’re not forty yet; you’re squarely within the realm of research. And, you get to return to researching throughout your life as needed or desired. Become a student of your sensations and a steward of your emotions. Then, you can act in service of those sensations and emotions. How you feel will tell you what to do. I have no doubt that, over time, your sexuality will become more clear to you, even as it shifts with time, age, and experience.

Amber Autumn Leaves Huntsman is a psychotherapist, poet, and Hedgewitch haunting our local beaches and estuaries.

Do you have a problem that you think Feral Feelings could answer? Send them to feralfeelings@jeffcobeacon.com