Feral Feelings: The Descent of Inanna

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Illustration by Nhatt Nichols [/caption]

By Amber Autumn Leaves Huntsman

Dear Feral Feelings,

I’ve been in a long-term relationship for years, and though I love him, my partner doesn’t make me happy anymore. We don’t connect like we used to, and I feel very alone in our relationship. He’s in his video games or on his phone when he gets home from work and every weekend, or he just wants to watch tv. There are other issues, too, but those feel too personal to share here. I’ve told him I want more romance and intimacy for a long time, and he says he understands, but nothing changes. It’s been like this for several years now. Most days I want to end our relationship, but I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve tried to end it, but it just feels too overwhelming and complicated, so I shut down. I’m miserable. What should I do?

-Stuck

Dear Stuck,

First, I want to thank you for submitting what I think is a very relatable question. In my clinical practice, social network, and certainly in my own history, this issue of feeling relationally stuck comes up frequently. I bet anyone reading this question can connect to that feeling, even if the context is different. Second, I can’t tell you what you should do. However, this doesn’t sound, to me, like a question about how to save a struggling relationship. This sounds to me like you are asking how to end your relationship when you still love your partner and don’t want to inflict pain. So, this isn’t about what you “should” do. This is about facing fear.

When I think about the process of ending a long-term relationship, I think of one word: Descent. In mythology, particularly Greek and Sumerian, descent to the underworld is a notable theme. The ancient Sumerian poem, “The Descent of Inanna” begins with the lines,

From the Great Above she opened her ear to the Great Below.

From the Great Above the goddess opened her ear to the Great Below.

From the Great Above Inanna opened her ear to the Great Below.

Inanna, a goddess, a queen, or both (depending on the telling), hears the call of her dark sister, Ereshkigal, or Lilith (depending on the telling) and leaves her home on earth to descend to the underworld. Dressed in her finest clothes, jewels, golden breastplate, and the crown of heaven, she passes through seven gates of hell on her way to the bottom, where her dark sister waits on the throne. At each gate, Inanna is stripped of her earthly adornments until she is naked, bloodied, and raw. Once at the bottom, Inanna is killed. A poem this ancient has many interpretations and tellings; she is killed in many ways. But in all of them, she dies. And in all of them, she is saved by her friends and is brought back from the dead. Inanna is initiated by a painful process and is then reborn.

I see you there, Stuck, with your ear to the ground. You know this will be painful, that is why you are resisting the call. This process won’t only be painful for your partner; it will be painful for you, too.

Like Inanna’s descent to the underworld, breakups strip us of all we know, especially when we live with our partner, are married, or have children. Breakups change our lives irrevocably, painfully, and in ways we cannot anticipate. Once we’ve healed, we see how all that pain fertilized the path forward, but that is only in hindsight. The preparation and execution of such a decision is, I think, the hardest part. Many times, we stay in relationships where we feel miserable because it’s less scary than facing the unknown. We aren’t happy, but at least we know what to expect. Many of us learn, through experiences like this, that love is not enough to make a relationship thrive. Love and compatibility don’t always match. We can love someone deeply, but that doesn’t mean they will meet us in our desires, goals, and needs. And, what’s more, being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Many thresholds in life are an initiation of descent. The grief of losing a loved one, the loss of a career, the birth of a child. Even our seasons have a descent, as the winter chill covers the land in death. All are painful thresholds that, eventually, lead to new life.

There is no way to get around the pain, Stuck. You just have to go through it. Friends help. Without friends, Inanna would never have been reborn. And there isn’t any way to control how much pain your partner might feel if you end the relationship. He is entitled to his pain, and so are you. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for someone you care about is be honest. With him, yes, and yourself. It may not feel good, but it usually feels right. It is my opinion that our happiness is not something that anyone, including our romantic partner, makes us feel. Our capacity to feel happy is something we find in ourselves, for ourselves. And, sometimes, bringing ourselves to happiness means descending to the underworld for a time so we can be stripped of all we know and gradually become reborn. Be brave, Stuck, and open your ear to the great below.

Do you have a problem that you think Feral Feelings could answer? Send them to feralfeelings@jeffcobeacon.com