45-Story Skyscraper Approved for Golf Park Site; Rooftop Pool to Solve Aquatic Destination Issue
Current "residents" to receive majority of parking in preservation effort
PORT TOWNSEND– City council announced that a 45-story skyscraper will break ground on the former golf park property off San Juan Avenue this fall, bringing with it 600 units, a rooftop infinity pool, and what staff described as "the most nature-friendly parking infrastructure in the Pacific Northwest."
"We heard the community's concerns loud and clear," Mayor Howard said at a press conference held on hole 6 that will soon become the tower's foundation. "People said the comp plan would allow 45-story buildings. And after reviewing posts on Nextdoor, we determined that was, in fact, the will of the people."
The "Camas Prairie Tower" will rise over 500 feet above the fairways, making it taller than Seattle's Smith Tower and visible from Whidbey Island on clear days.
The skyscraper will include 600 units, a ground-floor Starbucks, a series of bike lanes complete with mini traffic circles, and a pervasive smell of teriyaki that staff promised would “really sell the Seattle experience.”
On the rooftop, a public infinity pool that will appear to spill over the edge of the building into thin air, will solve Port Townsend's years-long aquatic issues once and for all. The pool will also fulfill the property’s recreational requirements. Locker rooms, showers, or bathrooms will not be provided to eliminate megaphone risks.
The property was ideal for an ample parking lot, alleviating much of the neighbors parking concerns with the increased density. After a targeted habitat study, however, the parking plans steered toward wildlife preservation instead.
The tower will include parking for exactly six vehicles—a number that has raised eyebrows among residents accustomed to sprawling surface lots and the expectation that every new development provides ample free parking. The six stalls will be reserved for electric vehicles only.
"We're building for the future," planning staff explained. "And the future is not cars. It's deer."
The remaining 594 parking stalls will be reserved for the city's resident deer herds. Each stall will feature a salt lick, a small bed of cedar chips, and a sign reading "Reserved: Cervids Only."
"Some people asked why we're building a skyscraper for deer," City Manager Mauro said. "And I think that question reveals a certain prejudice about who gets to live in housing. The deer have been here for generations. They deserve better than raiding your hostas."
An edible landscape at the ground level featuring salal, huckleberry, and apple trees will be pruned at browsing height for the city's resident deer.
This article was published April 1, and will resume being completely farce by noon
