Local Eagle Adopts Uptown Lifestyle

PORT TOWNSEND- The Port Townsend Police have learned that an Uptown resident, Elizabeth Ross, is cohabitating with an adult female bald eagle. 

The iconic bird, which moved into a two-bedroom condominium above Aldrich’s in mid-March, has communicated with her human companion via an AI program, police said. 

Also living in the condo are two 10-week-old kittens, which Ross said have befriended the newcomer.

“Everybody here is getting along famously,” she marveled. 

The bird, who goes by the name Tz’ikin — a Mayan word for eagle — has informed Ross and the kittens that she’s eyeing retirement from her position as the symbol of the United States of America. 

“You need to get your act together if you’re going to keep the ‘United’ in your name,” Tz’ikin declared with help from the AI translator. 

Snowy head and tail feathers gleaming, eyes flashing, the eagle added that her adopted family should consider going to Mexico for an extended stay. 

She craves a break from the herd of deer, “the so-called ‘wildlife,’” as she puts it, milling around Lawrence Street. 

The bird seems to have no issues with self-esteem, Ross reported. She has intimated that she plans to persuade the Mexican people to replace the plain brown eagle on their flag with an image of herself in flight. 

This article was published on April 1, and will resume being completely farce by noon