That Nice HR Lady: Workplace Culture

Dear Nice HR Lady,

I work for a small business, and my boss is always saying, “We’re a family here.” And honestly, I like my job and most of the people I work with. But lately “family” seems to mean I’m supposed to stay late, cover shifts when somebody calls out, answer texts on my days off and feel bad when I say no.

I don't want to be a jerk or leave my co-workers hanging. But I’m starting to wonder: At what point does being a good employee turn into being taken advantage of? Is “we’re a family here” actually a good thing, or should I be worried when my boss says it?

 — Just Trying to Be a Good Employee

Dear Just Trying,

Oh boy. The phrase “we’re a family here” really has become a cautionary signal, hasn’t it? Even leaving the ick factor aside, the phrase is problematic.

Employers really want to mean “we’re family here.” But employees hear it and their hackles go up. In fact, Pat in Finance lets out a little high-pitched sigh (under the breath, of course) whenever they hear it. The good news here is that you start this missive off by saying that you really like your job and (most) of your co-workers. There are obviously some things going well, but I understand why those jollies may be feeling harder to access if you think you may be being taken advantage of.

Before you decide that “quiet quitting” is the answer, let’s reality check. You’re (mostly) enjoying your work, and being helpful very likely increases your enjoyment—don’t stop doing that. While hearing “we’re a family here” doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something exploitative going on, it's worth taking a closer look.

Something can be unpleasant or unfair without being illegal—shocking, I know.

There is, of course, a sometimes wobbly line between the normal discomfort of saying “no” (which can genuinely be uncomfortable) and someone purposefully making you feel uncomfortable. Your voluntary generosity hasn’t bound you to a lifetime commitment of open availability, and your occasional flexibility doesn’t magically become an unstated job expectation, complete with a weighted rating scale. 

You can be the person who happily covers on a Thursday because Sam’s kiddo is sick without becoming the person who is expected to cover every time someone or their kiddo is sick. 

And a possibly unwelcome reality check: you might be asked to stay late occasionally. You might also cover shifts occasionally. You aren’t necessarily entitled to your preferred schedule or a workplace that doesn’t occasionally ask for this flexibility. However, you have permission to get curious when you say “no” to an irregular or unscheduled request, and then your schedule for the next month suddenly includes 5 “clopens” (those gnarly closing shifts followed by early starting shifts). Or your normal 35-hour weeks are now 17-hour weeks. Or when you get snide comments (or gaslighting - just kidding!) from colleagues or managers about not being “a team player.”

Your specific employment rights depend on your employee handbook and policies, the circumstances of your employment and applicable law. You’ll need to do a little more research, but my general advice is that if you feel that you are genuinely being impacted, reach out to the Washington State Department of Labor and Industries using contact information listed at https://www.lni.wa.gov/workers-rights/ for more information about scheduling practices, retaliation, overtime, wage and hour laws, and other employment rights and responsibilities.

But never fear, my dear Just Trying, here’s an actual tool to use right now that might help you assess whether this situation has crossed the line.

• Can you say no without punishment?
• Are usual expectations made clear?
• Is the flexibility being asked only for some employees?
• Are you regularly unpaid for work that should be paid (or overtime pay)?
• Are there performance expectations that include unnamed and undefined “extras”?
• Are you regularly required to be responsive on rest days?

If you find that these are all, or are mostly “yes,” and if you feel safe to do so, you might initiate a calm conversation with your manager. No accusations, just an “I notice that…,” followed by “I need clarification about expectations…” and then “these are my boundaries…” Let your manager know that you are boundaried AND cooperative.

Keep notes about when these requests are made, and the results. Not a novel. Just notes. The date, your response and the impact, if any. Keeping notes about what happens at work is never going to be a bad thing. Hopefully, they won’t ever be needed. But if they are needed, you have them.

Employers—Truly, I want to believe that you call your workplace a family because you care about employees. However, the line can be blurred or even crossed when you demand unpaid labor or unlimited flexibility and availability.

Your responsibility as an employer is to manage scheduling, staffing and project work so it is realistic, achievable and sustainable. Ask yourself why you are experiencing a high need for flexibility or urgent support from employees, and you might find that a business system is out of balance, rather than employee loyalty.

Again—louder for those employers in the back—call-outs happen, finances change and occasional extra flexibility is normal in a small business. Shaming, blaming and guilt-tripping employees aren’t part of any accepted management philosophy. 

Instead of “we’re a family” as a stand-in definition for a culture of belonging, be direct: We are kind to each other. We’re considerate. We know that our contribution matters. THOSE are things you might say about your workplace. If they’re true. And—if you can’t say those about your business, why would you think calling employees “family” makes up for it?

To wrap this up, healthy workplaces don’t require employees to prove their loyalty by abandoning reasonable boundaries. Belonging, community and healthy boundaries aren’t mutually exclusive. You can be a good human and a good employee without being endlessly available to your employer and colleagues.

And yes, a healthy workplace can have warmth, belonging, kindness and mutual consideration without pretending that an employment relationship is a family relationship.

Now, my dear Just Trying, put your phone on DND, and enjoy your afternoon off!

Yours in maintaining healthy boundaries,

That Nice HR Lady — Not a lawyer, just your friendly neighborhood liability prevention specialist 

Do you have questions about that new policy?  Or about the extra line of deductions on your paycheck?  Or wonder why the night shift employees seem so chill?  Drop me a line at thatniceHRlady@jeffcobeacon.com. Questions will be printed anonymously, with identifying details removed to protect the innocent.